The Joke File

topjars · **Posted:** Thu Nov 30, 2023 9:30 am

This nun wakes up one morning comes out of her room and heads down the corridor...
Another nun passes her and says in a sing-song voice "You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning..."
A bit further along the corridor another nun passes her and says in a sing-song voice "You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning..."
This remark continues along the corridor a further 15 times from her fellow nuns when she comes to the Mother Superior... :burkab:

The nun says "DO NOT SAY :angry10:

You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning..."
The Mother Superior says ..."I wasn't going to say that. I was going to ask what are you doing wearing the bishops shoes." :omg1:

Hippy Chippy · **Posted:** Thu Nov 30, 2023 4:42 pm

topjars wrote:

Never actually got a tattoo CJ - I was too chicken :goose:

I remember a birdy who got one on the Melbourne who spent days rubbing salt into it to remove it from his arm...AKA red raw :pale:

Did ya hear, :-k

BC recently got a huge zipper :omg1:

tattooed on his sternum... :sheeesh:

reckons it makes it :happy1:

easier to get things off his chest...!!! :happy2:

BC · **Posted:** Thu Nov 30, 2023 5:01 pm

Dead right Fraddy.

My neighbour asked me the other day, "how do you feel after the op"?

I replied, "my confidence is back and I'm not taking any shit from anyone any more"!

topjars · **Posted:** Sun Dec 17, 2023 5:38 pm

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"Tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Melbourne and still wearing all this shit?" :thblack:

BC · **Posted:** Thu Dec 21, 2023 8:31 am

Hippy Chippy · **Posted:** Thu Dec 21, 2023 10:10 pm

Hippy Chippy wrote:

topjars wrote:

Never actually got a tattoo CJ - I was too chicken :goose:

I remember a birdy who got one on the Melbourne who spent days rubbing salt into it to remove it from his arm...AKA red raw :pale:

Did ya hear, :-k

BC recently got a huge zipper :omg1:

tattooed on his sternum... :sheeesh:

reckons it makes it :happy1:

easier to get things off his chest...!!! :happy2:

Looks like you've set a new trend, BC, now even :happy1:

Jimmy Barnes is trying to get in on the act...! :sheeesh:

Gnomeranger · **Posted:** Sat Dec 23, 2023 8:23 am

MERRY XMAS TO ALL

BC · **Posted:** Sat Dec 23, 2023 5:33 pm

Late at night, the alien spacecraft developed engine trouble and was forced to land.

The grizzled captain and his young copilot exited the craft to reconnoiter. They were in the high desert, the air was brisk, and it was utterly dark except for twinkling starlight, a low crescent moon, and a faint glow on the horizon.

At an easy pace, they hiked toward the glow on the horizon. It turned out to be an empty gas station, brightly lit by sodium lights, but utterly silent. Together, they approached the center gas pump in the first row. It displayed digits and letters, but it didn’t respond.

“Take us to your leader,” the captain said. The gas pump remained silent. “Perhaps he doesn’t hear well,” the captain said to his copilot.

“Take us to your leader,” the captain shouted. “It’s very important.” The gas pump remained silent.

“This is your last chance,” the captain bellowed. “Take us to your leader.” Simultaneously, the copilot raised his blaster to threaten the gas pump. Still, the pump did not respond.

“Now or else,” the captain said, while the copilot began to press the trigger on his blaster. “No, No …” screamed the captain, reaching out to deflect the blaster, but it was too late. The blaster hit the pump squarely in the middle, and the explosion was fearsome. The aliens ended up in the distance, 50 yards away, dazed and stunned by the concussion. Slowly, they regained consciousness.

“Tell me,” inquired the copilot. “How did you know the alien was going to be so dangerous?”

“In all my travels back and forth across the galaxy,” the captain responded, “I’ve learned at least one important thing: When you come across an alien who can wrap his dick around himself three times and still stick it in his ear, you gotta give him some space!”

BC · **Posted:** Sun Dec 24, 2023 5:15 pm

Seejay · **Posted:** Sun Dec 24, 2023 5:23 pm

BC wrote:

Strangely enough, this is a daily occurrence regardless of the floods - for both potholes and the swamp geckoes.

As for the croscs, we have these mongrel things along our stormwater drains and - to please the greenies and the tourist agencies - close calls and attacks are regular. What we need is a bit of :gib:

We could sort out the 'youth crime' with the same methods.... :grin:

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